Introduction
I was born in 1973 in Durham, England, at a time when ABBA was starting to emerge with their popular songs like “Waterloo” and “Mamma Mia.” My first memory of life was sitting in a high chair, looking out from the kitchen window, and seeing the sun beaming down through the blinds upon me. I had arrived, and this world looked so inviting and exciting, as it was all new, new, new. I remember spending lots of time in the garden, exploring insects and plants, and being so curious while looking at ants and woodlice under rocks.
Early Musical Memories
When I heard music, I would sing along to the songs. I remember singing along to Kate Bush’s “Wuthering Heights” and ABBA’s “Money, Money, Money.” I would only catch the chorus and repeat it over and over. Music brought me so much joy; it lit me up and became my companion in life.
As a teenager, I was obsessed with music. I spent every hour outside of school listening to the latest hits in the charts and buying the latest vinyl records from Madonna, Kylie Minogue, Jason Donovan, Prince, and A-ha, to name just a few of my eighties favourites.
My friend and I would sing all the time, making up songs to the B-sides of many singles that were often instrumental. The lyrics we made up were not the best, but we enjoyed every minute of singing. We used to think we were Pepsi and Shirlie, the backing singers for the pop group Wham! We loved their solo song “Heartache” and even recorded it for a music examination at school.
The Power of Music
Music was my favourite subject, and my love for it consumed my life. I was bullied at school, but music helped me escape the name-calling and intimidation that those groups of girls tried to impose on me. I was pretty strong inside; I never showed them any weakness, but the daily berating became tiresome. Thanks to music, I had a place to escape. I would go to bed at night with my headphones on, listening to classical music. I loved how this type of music would allow my imagination to grow.
One of my favorite tunes was the music from the TV series “The Thorn Birds,” as I loved how the main character, Meggie, was in love with the priest Ralph de Bricassart and how they had a moment of escape together at an island resort. I could relate to her tribulations of wanting to be loved yet feeling constrained by not being able to have what she so desired.
A Shift in Career Aspirations
I always wanted to be a singer, and in my naivety, I hadn’t looked beyond music at other possibilities. I was bluntly told by a career advisor at school that when I mentioned I wanted to be a singer, it was a nice idea but the possibility was slim to nonexistent, so I should choose another option. I was given an array of ideas, but nothing appealed to me. I remember sitting in music class in a daze, wondering what on earth I was going to do. Then I recall seeing a student in class talking about becoming a beautician. It seemed creative to me, so that is what I chose.
It was 1989, and beauty was not very prevalent at the time, so my career choice led me to college to study “Hair and Beauty,” with the course focusing 85% on hairdressing and 15% on beauty. Two weeks into the course, I knew I had made a big mistake. I asked my mother if I could leave and choose a different path, but once again, I was told no; it was too late, and I had to commit to two years of study in something that really didn’t appeal to my nature.
At this point, music was still in my life, but it was changing. I wasn’t singing as much anymore; instead, I was going to live events and living vicariously through the artists on stage. I remember wanting to be those backing singers again, and I would sing so loudly that I am sure they heard me, harmonizing to add a level of sound that would resonate and make me feel part of the performance, not just an observer.
A Significant Loss
Then, halfway through my second year of Hair and Beauty college, my father died of cancer. He was only 45 years old. We knew it was coming, but it was still so hard to fully comprehend the impact this would have on my life. It’s not like I was very close to my father, as he was a very absent dad and had separated from my mother during my teenage years. However, he loved music, and I looked a lot like him. We had a bond simply because he was my father, and this was the first person in my close family to pass away. It hit me so hard; I couldn’t focus. I lost my spirit and my joy; it slowly started to seep out of me. It was as if I had died along with my dad. I can’t explain the velocity of loss I felt, and I still don’t understand to this day why it was so impactful.
The Decline of My Musical Passion
As the years passed, my music became less and less prominent in my life. I would go to karaoke and enjoy singing, but it was never something I could pursue anymore. I did make a mediocre attempt in my thirties to get back involved with music, but my heart was never fully committed, and I had become a harsh critic of myself. It always felt pointless because I could hear that careers advisor in my mind, and I had internalized it to mean I was ridiculous for choosing a singing career as someone from a working-class family.
Ah, the class system is so negating and dividing; this world has never made sense to me. After finishing my hair and beauty certification, I didn’t go into hairdressing because, over the two years of study, I had become disengaged, so I had to find something else quickly. This is when I jumped into a one-year Business Administration course, as advised by my mother because it would allow for versatility. I did this and ended up working in office settings for the majority of my life.
Life Experiences and Ongoing Longing
Yes, I have travelled and seen a lot of the world. I have lived in Los Angeles, Vancouver, Canada, and most recently in Auckland, New Zealand. Those were all amazing experiences, and I am grateful for the opportunities, but still, in my heart, music beckons. I am currently (November 2024) enrolled in an “Artist’s Way” workshop with Kelly Morgan. I met her back in my days of living in Los Angeles (2008) when she was offering in-person workshops at a place called “The Bodhi Tree.” I bought the book “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron because it spoke to that creative part of me from which I had somewhat detached myself and this interest led me to find Kelly’s workshop.
Rediscovering Creativity
I remember the most poignant moment during that 10-week workshop when we had to write a song, and some got to perform it. The one person who touched all our hearts that night was a gentleman playing guitar. I can’t remember the words, but I will never forget how it made me feel; it touched my musical heart. I felt like I was on stage with him, and the audience was in awe. Many cried, and others cheered for the sheer delight the words and song had on us all. This workshop sparked that creative flair in me again. I had begun moving more toward a creative field, finally studying graphic design, which suited my personality. However, I still had divorced myself from my music and had lots of good reasons now. For one, I was too old, and my heart was not in it anymore, or so I thought.
A New Beginning
Fast forward to 2024, and here I am taking Kelly Morgan’s Artist’s Way workshop once again. This time we are online, and last week I had to write a song. I left it until the morning before the workshop to write it and had started the chorus the night before. However, that morning, after writing what is called ‘The Morning Pages,’ which is writing freehand, three pages of stream of consciousness upon waking, I did this, and then out came the following words of my song:
THE LIGHT OF MY SOUL
Verse 1:
Deep in my mind, there is a world unexplored.
A shiny neuro pathway that opens many doors.
Here there is opportunity, wisdom, and light.
All rising forth and looking so bright.
Chorus:
It is the light of my soul that brings peace to my mind.
Allowing me to be present and so very kind.
It is the love of my heart that brings joy to my life.
Allowing me to have compassion without any strife.
Verse 2:
If only I could step into this new paradigm.
A place where division is dissolved with no crime.
Maybe my imagination is too wild to be realized.
But at least I can dream and give rise to a new paradise.
Bridge:
Stay committed, you have the time.
For the soul cannot die in just one lifetime.
Eternal and strong from deep inside.
This energy force is steering my ride.
On the day of the workshop, I wasn’t in the greatest mindset. I had a lot going on and was just going to read the words out until the rest of the participants decided to sing each of their songs. Kelly asked us to let our inner children out, and so I did. Below is the video of my performance. I was so nervous and didn’t know how it was going to go.
I want to thank Kelly Morgan at Creative Life Writer for nudging me to write and perform this song and for supporting my creative journey. I may be in my 50s now, but my love of music is still as strong as it was in my teenage years.
It’s now time to let the music play on and start incorporating it back into my life, as it is “The Light of My Soul.”
Thank you for reading, and if you are hiding a creative gift within you from years gone by, don’t suppress it. Foster that part of yourself and bring it to life, as the world needs more sunshine and joy spreading throughout.