Hey! We all have some narcissistic traits within us but for many, it’s their default mode.
Let’s start by looking at the definition of narcissism as detailed on Wikipedia.
‘Narcissism is a self-centered personality style characterized as having an excessive preoccupation with oneself and one’s own needs, often at the expense of others.’ [1][2]
There are two main modes of narcissism and I like to see them in colours.
- Blue for the Covert Narcissist also known as the Vulnerable Narcissist.
- Red for the Grandiose Narcissist.
I choose to see them in colours because blue is fairly calm like water but with a hidden undercurrent like the covert narcissist and red for the fire and explosive energy that a grandiose narcissist usually exhibits.
Never the twain shall meet, right? Wrong, some narcissists use both modes and often leave their victims feeling crazy.
Why they make their victims feel so crazy is because they flit back and forth emotionally luring in their target until their power is hooked at which point the battering begins.
Many experts have created a pattern loop for those caught in the web of narcissism can understand and hopefully break free from its emotional grasp.
Here is the pattern in 4 stages.
1 Idealization Stage or Love Bombing
This is when they obsess over you, they give you all the adoration and attention. They make you feel special and loved and reflect back to you unconditional love or so it seems. This stage goes on long enough to hook you into their charms and once they feel confident you are enmeshed then the next stage begins.
2 Devaluing or Degrading
It can start off very subtle with a negative comment about your appearance or something you said which builds up over time. Suddenly you are no longer that special person in their eyes but instead some annoyance or agitation they need to swat like a fly. This leaves you thinking what the heck have I done wrong and you desperately want to bring out that wonderful person you connected with at the stage. Where did he or she go?
This devaluing stage has got to be the worst because here is where all the crazy-making starts. You wonder, Is it me? Have I done something wrong? I am a bad person? I deserve this treatment and on and on your rational mind goes at trying to make sense of what has happened to your lovely man or woman. Then just when you think you’ve lost all hope with this relationship the pattern starts all over again.
3 Rinse and Repeat
They start love bombing you again, giving you that false sense of security. Plus, this makes you feel like you were the one with the problem, so you start altering yourself around them to keep them happy. However, it’s not long usually about 2 weeks before the next stage of devaluing will kick in and off the crazy-making goes again. However, because you are so enmeshed at this stage you keep altering your behaviour to please this messed up man or woman. This is when the final notch to this madness happens.
4 Discard Phase
You are thrown out, you are not wanted at all, you are a curse to their lives a waste of space and out, out, out they want you to go. Leaving you dumbfounded, a collapse in your sense of self and left with no words just an emotional heap that has been swept up on the shore by this tirade of narcissistic abuse.
What a mental mind field leading you to an emotional disassociation of self. You have lost your sense of self in amongst all of this, you have altered your very being to please someone that could never ultimately be pleased or loved for that matter. They are void of feeling, of empathy, they are an empty shell of a man or woman.
Image by ramazan balayev from Pixabay
This is why you feel numb inside as you were never with a real living being, you were with a fake hologram.
How did these narcissists develop you may be wondering? Well, life is complex and no two narcissists are the same. The levels can vary considerably and the ways in which they are enacted can vary too. As with most dysfunctional behaviours they develop in our early years of childhood.
We each grow up in different environments and see the world through our own unique lens. The experiences we have shape our behaviours to adapt and survive. Narcissists tend to come from very broken childhoods where trauma is at the root. Whatever has happened to them in the past is now shaping continuously their future. They don’t see love anymore only objects to manipulate and constantly relive the brokenness haunting their psyches. You can’t save them, they have to want to save themselves so don’t waste your life trying.
They could be your grandparent, parent, sibling, work colleague, boss, partner, and/or friend. No relationship is excluded but in time you’ll sense something is off and depending on where you are mentally it can take weeks/months and even years to figure out. You could be totally depleted having tried to make these types of relationships work. They never do because it’s like a game of cat and mouse. You unknowingly are the mouse and the only way to save yourself is to run the heck away. Go no contact or as little contact as possible should you have children involved in the connection.
They are a harmful person to be around because ultimately inside they are full of toxicity and it oozes out of them. They are manipulators and can often be the center of the relational universe. Meaning they often have people blindsided thinking they are so wonderful, giving, and caring but it’s all a facade. When you see it, maybe those around you don’t yet, they are still caught up in the web of deceit.
With awareness comes clarity and maybe you have to change your whole life to save yourself. This is a daunting task but the end result is so rewarding. You can have freedom and you can have fulfilling relationships once you step away and move in the direction that aligns with your life.
If the narcissist is within your workspace, home life, family life, or friendship circle then you must evaluate how you can isolate and evacuate yourself from this individual.
Remember you are an amazing creative being with a unique imagination, so go wild in your mind and set yourself free. What ideas come forth? Allow them to flourish into a sea of opportunities to transform your current circumstances. Find a support group. Join something you love doing to give you a new focus as I am sure they have taken up a lot of your mental energy. It is time to give back to yourself and to have faith that you can be happy. You can reinvent yourself and enjoy the little steps out of the darkness and into the light.
Image by Cristina Lacramioara Nicu from Pixabay
Don’t let one person deflate you. Learn from the experience as it will have built up resilience within you and from the ashes a phoenix shall rise.
Thanks for reading. Please like, follow or share if you think it will help someone in your life.